You guys need to read this hilarious interview grammarian and
current Chief of Staff to the Edo State Governor, Patrick Obahiagbon granted to Punch. Excerpts
below...
Why do you always speak ‘big grammar’?
I am not really consensus ad idem with those who opine that my
idiolect is advertently obfuscative. No no no, it’s just that I am in my
elements when the colloquy has to do with the pax nigeriana of our dreams and
one necessarily needs to fulminate against the alcibiadian modus vivendi of our
prebendal political class.
How did you start speaking in this manner?
It all happened when my
father brought me a teaser which stated that good orators had ruled the world
and you must have to be a feisty orator if you must rule the world. As an
impressionable young man, I alacritously threw myself into the whirligig of
improving my usage of words by amassing new words on a daily basis.
How do you talk to your wife, children and even your friends?
I relate with my family and friends very warmly and in an
atmosphere of camaraderie, stripped of my confutational habiliment and
gladiatorial homilies. I am a very peaceful, calm, level-headed and celestially
attuned soul personality.
Is this the way you proposed to your wife, speaking high tech
grammar?
Of course, the business of the day when I interfaced with my
wife on matters of the heart had to be in plain Caeser’s language and you can
decipher why that had to be so. The matter in view did not permit itself of
sphinxian conundrum.
It’s a long time ago, so I can’t remember the exact words I used.
We had a relationship for ten years before we got married. We’re looking at
close to 20 years ago.
Did you write exams in school in these big words?
I used such words very-very freely in my exams both at the
secondary school and in my university and little wonder I had the misfortune of
my English results being seized intermittently in my O’ Levels. WAEC released
my results for the other subjects and withheld my English result. This happened
for about three years. Twice, I passed the University Matriculation Examination
but I could not proceed to the University because of my English results that
were not released. At the end of the day, it was released after the third
attempt.
How many dictionaries do you read a day and how often do you read
dictionaries?
I have read and still do read a vaudeville of dictionaries
from Websters to Funk and Wagnalls, from Cambridge to Oxford dictionaries, from
Black’s Law Dictionary to Encarta and from Encyclopedia Britannica to
Foreignisms, etcetera. I developed my corpus of vocabulary by reading
omnivorously. I have also spent nothing less than an hour daily on my
dictionary for over twenty years. So, whereas the dictionary for most people is
a mere occasional reference point, it is for, me a vade-mecum. It may also
interest you to know that there is much to learn from our daily newspapers.
Was English your best subject?
My best subject in secondary school was government and
religion and am sure that I was drawn to religion because, I now know as a
student of Rosicrucian mysticism, that I was a student of divine light in my
last incarnation. As for government, I just fell in love with the subject due
to my early attraction in life to issues of political-economy.
So what did you score in English language?
English language was of course my hobbyhorse and passion but like
I earlier asseverated, my results were constantly guillotined to my utter
chagrin that I had to lapse into a jeremiad of lachrymoseim for a period of
aeon. I would need to check the result again to be sure of my score.
Do you pray the same way you speak?
God understands all languages, my brother and I pray to God using
any word that pops up. May I posit that the key points in prayers are your
sincerity, purity of heart, walking within the compass and to what extent are
you ready and worthy of receiving the benediction of the cosmic and the cosmic
masters because as we say in mysticism- “when the students are ready, the
masters would appear.”
Take my words my brother that more than seventy per cent of
humanity don’t know how to pray but that is a matter for another day.
Do you know that many people don’t take you too seriously when you talk because they think you are not communicating
Why will I be perturbed from ensconcing myself in the palatable
arms of Morpheus because people have deprived themselves of the cultivation of
the regime of the mental magnitude? I read all the farrago of baloneys and
vacuous bunkum from pepper soup objurgators. The spirit of animadversion
remains their fundamental human right. It also remains an indubitable fact that
I get millions and millions of requests daily from people all over the world
requesting for my verbal mentorship which positive cosmopolitan reactions have
assisted my equipoise and righteous sense of pachydermatous garb. I cannot put
my nose to the grindstone daily and expect to be understood by those
luxuriating in a modus vivendi, verging onpepper souping, goat heading,
suyaing, big stouting and isiewulising. Has a philosophical wag not once
pontificated that things of the spirit are spiritually discerned and that it
takes the deep to call the deep? We will speak more on this matter of critiques
and chichi dodo another day.
Why do you pull your trousers up beyond the waist?
Hahahaha….That trousers style is called Yohji Yamamoto. It
was my own audacious statement to remonstrate against the pervasive tendency of
Nigerians especially our youths that took to the practice of putting on
trousers exposing their lower anatomical contours and I will do it over and
over again.
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